giving away your techniques and your life long dedication to a craft is hard. emotionally, physically, mentally..........i cant talk and paint at the same time very well, i am distracted thinking of other things when i paint. when i paint i usually wear headphones in one ear so i can tune out. i paint so fast i am not even thinking about what i am doing. to go back in to the world as a noob has given me a glance into what it was to sit at my first manicurist desk, be on par with new girls just out of school. the dirty looks, the mean comments, the whispers and then the friendships and ----the deep sighs of relief when they found out i didnt want to take anything from them. this has ALWAYS been a part of my life. this new adventure online has made me take note of HOW im painting. i never really have put INTO WORDS how i paint....why i paint...what i paint.....i never really considered it painting at all...it is my job and mostly i laugh, and listen. this is the first time in my life i have talked and NOT been listening. in my real life, i talk serious shit. my mouth is filthy. i talk about the most random topics and quotations and things ive heard about weird things ive heard about things i know about things i dont know..
what i know is that MOSTLY, I LISTEN.....i know this...im learning this 'online system' of things....in real life, you can confront someone who is mean or ask them why or when you say thank you....people can HEAR if your thank you is sincere.....here you are forced to stay silent, here, if you say thank you 10000 times, it sounds contrived.
this teaches you control. if you have 1million viewers...what kind of control is there? do you still need it? if i get it, will i want it? will i need it? does any of it matter? i mean, its just watermelons on fingernails, right?